Peter A. Kenny's
Adoption and Foster Care Law Blog
Here, I write about foster parenting and legal issues related to foster care and adoption.
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Foster care has changed. Has anyone noticed? The DCS can no longer count on foster families with a stay-at-home parent. Certain goals for children in temporary care remain the same. Care should be brief, safe, and lead to permanence either through reunification or with a new permanent situation. To keep up with our society as it exists today, we have three simple recommendations.
Here are five hints on making connections with your hard-to-reach foster child.
Foster parents in training are sometimes asked to write down the ten people or things they value most on separate slips of paper. Next, they are asked to give up one, throw it into the trash basket, and discuss their loss among themselves. One by one, they are asked to get rid of the items they value, throwing the papers away as they reflect on what they have lot...
“What did Grandma do for a job?” asked my 12-year-old nephew, Jack. “Well,” I replied, “she raised your dad and me and our ten brothers and sisters, was a foster parent to many more, took care of our 14-room house, and even took care of her dad when he got old and lived with us.” “Yes, but what did she really do for a job?” Jack persisted. I was dumbfounded.
"At certain points, his behavior got so bad," Chelsea said, "I thought, 'I can't do this anymore. I can't be a teacher.'" Chelsea was working with Teach for America in a low-income elementary school. That's how she found herself in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, struggling to control Jerome and, somehow, gaining his trust. Other teachers would send the boy to her classroom, where she made him get his work done. "I got a lot of thankful emails and knocks on my door," she said.
From my own family and from my legal practice, I have become aware of dumb questions people ask about adoption. Two in particular stand out.
Here are a few suggestions, both for birth parents who wish to be reunited with their child, and for foster parents who hope to adopt.
“Instant Family” is a realistic full-length feature film about the ups and downs of fostering-to-adopt. To quote one reviewer: “We are foster parents and this movie touched every base and emotion about what foster parents go through.” The film story was written by a foster parent. The actors are excellent. And beyond all that, it is touching and funny and great entertainment.
What a wonderful way to silently greet your new foster child over the first few weeks. "Whatever!" Plan to observe and listen. Without expectations. See what develops, what happens.
What a wonderful way to silently greet your new foster child over the first few weeks. "Whatever!" Plan to observe and listen. Without expectations. See what develops, what happens.
“We’ve had our five-year-old foster son for over a year now and we were planning to adopt him. All was well until two months ago when he began to wet the bed nightly. Trying to be understanding, we began by waking him regularly to use the bathroom. Lately we have started to withhold sweets and privileges. Nothing seems to work.”
Every Indiana foster child has a case manager, a birth family with possibly concerned relatives, and foster parents. They also have (or should have) a legal advocate. Either a CASA (Court-appointed special advocate) or GAL (Guardian-ad-litem.) Although they undergo training, they are unpaid volunteers, giving of their time, as you do, to serve kids in need.
Your case manager has legal control of the child in your care. As a foster parent, it is very important for you to get along. Whether you like each other or not, cooperation is vital as you plan a future for the child. Here are a few suggestions to help you work together.
Indiana foster parents have many legal rights to assist in caring for their wards. Know your rights and use them when appropriate. Here are the more important ones:
Foster parents offer a special community of know-how and support. Thanks to the internet and Facebook, Indiana foster parents have a statewide resource, the Indiana Foster and Adoptive Parents group. On IFAAP, with its nearly 10,000 members, our state foster and adoptive parents can communicate back and forth regularly with one another on a large variety of practical and parenting issues.
The mistake most of us make is failing to recognize that negative attention is valued almost as much as positive time and praise. If there were only one simple rule for discipline, it would be this: You get more of whatever you notice.
While family remains the time-honored best way to provide a child with nurture and safety, there are exceptions. Sometimes the medical or emotional needs of a child require more than an individual family can offer. Or an older foster child, usually age ten or more, seriously threatens the physical or sexual safety of family members.
“After spending almost two years with us, our five-year-old foster son was removed to live with his grandparents in Illinois. Prior to that, he had been with them for less than a week of visitation. We had come to love our son and hoped to adopt. Now we are devastated. We don’t know whether to fight or cry.”
What does your new foster son or daughter call you? Names are important. His initial reaction offers a window to his world.
You have had your foster child for many months and have heard little or nothing. You are becoming attached. Afraid to contact the case manager for fear that might trigger the child’s removal. What can you do?
“We are white parents planning to adopt our four-year-old foster son of color. Any suggestions on how to handle the race questions ahead?”
My 18-year-old adopted son will be graduating from high school in the Spring. I want him to apply to college and receive an education. He wants to get a job. Help.
Prevention by reining in a teen’s time away from home late at night is a good parental strategy. It is important to know where your youngsters are, especially later at night. Especially for teens when the odds go up for car crashes, sex, and other life-changing events.
“I don’t have to,” asserts six-year-old Dion when he is told to pick up his toys. Some moms might automatically react negatively to the verbal defiance. “Don’t you dare talk to me like that,” she may reply. Mom may even be successful at obtaining compliance. But the price may be that Dion learns simply to suppress his oppositional feelings. A wiser mom might respond that she understands and accepts Dion’s resistance. “I know you’re mad but we still have to get these toys picked up.” Mom is showing respect for Dion’s feelings while still insisting on obedience.
Good news at a bad time. As the Coronavirus kept most of us isolated at home, I drove from Indianapolis to Gary to meet two Indiana families.
This poem by Kahlil Gibran in “The Prophet” suggests much about the motivation of foster and adoptive parents.
Attorney Peter Kenny announces the publication of his third book: Making a Difference: Foster Care and Adoption.
It’s not always the big things that affirm foster and adoptive parents. Here are four everyday moments that different foster parents I know found memorable.
Several parents have asked for suggestions about children’s books that especially relate to foster and adopted children. Here are my favorites.
A strong sense of humor is a necessary survival tool for foster parents. Here are three of many examples shared by my foster parent friends.
The family meal has historically served two very important functions. It has provided better nutrition and it offers a major time when parents and children can relate to one another. So sit down and eat together when that is possible. But if not, here are a few other ideas.
James Russell Lowell, in his epic poem, "The Vision of Sir Launfal", writes of a knight who goes off in search of the cup which Jesus shared with his followers at his last supper.
My husband and I recently adopted our beautiful two-year-old son. When I share this amazing news with people, I sometimes get a response that, well, stings.
Be gentle with yourself. You are your child’s biggest and best resource. Remember when you first get on a plane? The stewardess is giving safety instructions. In case of emergency, if you are traveling with a small child, she tells you to put on your own oxygen mask first. Without you, your child may be lost.
When this single grandmother adopted her two young grandchildren, that was occasion to celebrate-- special enough to write a poem.
Imagine you are awaiting the results of your breast exam or prostate test. You call daily but they still don’t have the results. What are you thinking, feeling?
You have adopted a child with a disability. Normally, the child's Medicaid and per diem payments, funded by the federal Adoption Assistance Program (AAP), continue till age 18. Can you get them extended until age 21? Yes, but it’s somewhat complicated. Here's how.
In a plastic and often hollow world, you are the real people. You are doing it, giving without recompense. Lovers in a me-first world. Like Pinocchio and the weathered and worn Velveteen Rabbit, it is your loving that makes you real.
Research has clearly shown that delay in achieving permanence is not in the child’s best interest. Time is the enemy of a growing and developing child.
The US government offers a one-time non-refundable tax credit to adopting parents for expenses incurred in the process. Most Indiana foster-to-adopt parents receive a post-adoption subsidy paid by the state. If that is the case...
There are as many answers as there are adoptive parents. Each person has their own story, their own personal motives. Here are a few ideas from past clients that have inspired me.
Taking away their cellphones and forbidding access is not usually a wise strategy. In addition to preventing contact with their peers and searching for useful information, it may foster resentment and encourage sneakiness. Here are four approaches which may help you monitor cellphones and computer use without appearing to take over.
An overview of how to become a foster parent in Indiana. The process appears more complicated than it actually is.
Foster care payments are reimbursement for the daily costs of raising a child, and are not considered taxable income by the IRS. Having a foster child in the home does not change the family’s status for receiving food stamps.
By Mary Kenny
I am so unfulfilled I have a house a car a job a loving spouse But I have no child. I need a child- I need a child so I can grow- Maybe I should adopt. *** I am so blessed I have a home a car a job a loving spouse But I have no child. I have so much to share. I need to help a child- Help a child to grow- Maybe I should adopt.
Foster parents, like other people, learn best from experience. Which means that those new to fostering are at a disadvantage. Even if they have already raised children of their own, Foster parenting presents some unique challenges.
A friend of mine complained that his eleven- and thirteen-year-old foster sons frequently spiced their talk with crude sexual and violent words.
Your new foster child appears at your door, frequently with nothing more than bare essentials.
To raise consciousness about how a child feels at that moment, here is a memorable exercise that has been used during foster parent training. To begin, the leader asks you to write down on five separate slips of paper the five things you value most.
Five-year-olds and up are capable of learning and performing several household chores.
"We have had our five-year-old foster daughter for six months and are hoping to adopt her. She causes no trouble but is like a shy little mouse with few words and big eyes. How can we break through and communicate with her?"
Frequently at foster parent gatherings the organizers will trot out a young man or woman who grew up in foster care and is now educated and successful in a career as a teacher, writer, or in another productive field. This child would be a high achiever in any field, but remains unusual. Most adopted children, like all developing youngsters, are works in progress.
“We have had our foster child for almost two years and nothing seems to be happening. Mother makes a little progress and then relapses. How long will this go on? When does the state give up on reunification and look for another permanent home?”
“Constantly in motion. That’s our first-grader, Jonny. If I can get him to stop for a minute, he stays poised on the edge of his seat, ready to run off as soon as I say okay….His mind is just as undisciplined, jumping from one thought to another. Homework time is a nightmare. His doctor prescribed medication to calm him without much success. Any ideas?”
One simple and meaningful way to get to know your foster/adopted child is to help him or her collect their history in pictures and stories in their own homemade personal book. Whether you are able to adopt the child or not, a picture-story book will become a treasure for a child who lacks “possessions.”
The child fares better when foster parents and the birth parent can get along. Mutual distrust and hostility, often based on a lack of information, serve no one. You don’t have to agree with one another. But foster parents do need to withhold judgment. And show courtesy and respect for the person.
To paraphrase the former Peace Corps slogan, foster parenting is the toughest job you’ll ever love. You have chosen a difficult path. Instead of a big cheering section, you are likely to face problems, and even be blamed unfairly when things go wrong.
We were attending Grandparents’ Day at the elementary school of our youngest grandchildren. Several of the children were showing pictures of themselves as babies being held and admired by their grandparents. “I don’t have any baby pictures,” my young granddaughter said matter-of-factly. “I don’t know what I looked like when I was a baby.”
“As a football coach, I always had to be ready to overcome unexpected challenges. With injuries, crowd noise, and especially weather, the game plan is always adjusting to adversity.”
My father, Dr. Jim Kenny, wrote the following article on how he felt about being the adoptive father of my brother and three sisters.
In my last blog entry, I asked you to imagine welcoming your new ten-year-old foster son. He certainly feels alone and scared and may express that by acting cocksure, or more likely quiet and reserved at first. From a psychologist who was also a foster parent, here are a few hints on how you might respond.
Imagine your new foster son has just come in the door. His name is Eric, he is ten years old, and is clutching a paper sack holding everything he owns. Not much. You greet him warmly and tell him he is welcome. But you don’t really know him. All you have to go by are your expectations. Here are a few thoughts you might consider.
Caseworkers and DCS conferences do not have the final word about removal, placement, and possible adoption of Indiana children in foster care. Courts are where these ultimate decisions are made. Foster parents have rights to be heard in court.
My father, Dr. Jim Kenny, with the help of an artist from Stone Belt in Indiana, recently wrote a children’s story about a little monkey who loses both parents and begins searching the jungle, looking for them. After many adventures, he discovers a family of chimpanzees who offer him a permanent home. Little Lost Monkey is a foster-to-adopt story.
Here is our definition which has been used to support adoption in many courts throughout the US: “Bonding is a significant reciprocal attachment which both parties want and expect to continue, and is interrupted at peril to the parties involved.” Interrupted bonding is strongly correlated with adult mental illness, crime, poverty, and homelessness. Bonding can be demonstrated by 24/7the amount of time spent together, by community support, and by statements from the parties involved.
A cooperative adoption allows for some continuing post-adoption contact. This usually involves a nominal offering of information about the child and/or the exchange of cards, letters and photos. Less frequently, personal visits may be permitted on special occasions. It may make sense when the birth parent fears giving up all future connection with her child.
A Middle School teacher began the following story and asked his students to make up an ending: One child’s story finished very differently.
“My pre-teen-age boys get into fights regularly,” complained one foster parent. “It’s hard to stop them. My caseworker warns me against punishment. Help!”
The strongest material you can have in advocating for your foster child is a well-documented daily journal. Keeping a daily journal assists you when reporting to the Child Welfare Department or advocating for your foster child at case conferences and at court hearings, especially adoption. When opinions are divided, your journal provides you with reasons and documentation for your views.
Whatever happened to the old adage: “Experience is the best teacher”? Most would agree that is true. So why the heavy reliance on agency-run workshops or classes for foster parent training? Parenting can be learned and improved in several ways.
For too many people, discipline is equated with punishment. This creates a special problem for foster children who have already suffered from abuse and neglect. In actual fact, punishment is a rather ineffective method for obtaining compliance. There are other methods that work better. Here are a few ideas.
Many different subsidies are available for Indiana foster parents who wish to adopt. They include continuing your monthly payments, providing health insurance, reimbursing you for some of your adoption expenses, a federal income tax credit, and help with college tuition. Your new child is entitled to all the financial support that is offered.
My mother’s wrote: “We raised twelve children, both ‘homemade’ and adopted. People often ask me how I did it. But then I met Ralph. Ralph is the one who makes me ask, ‘How do you do it?’”
You may have been thinking about adoption. How does a family go about making that decision? Like marriage, adoption involves a lifetime commitment. Not a step to take lightly.
Here are a few thoughts about when and why foster parents might benefit from legal help.
My admiration for what foster and adoptive parents do is boundless. I am honored to be their attorney. They have tackled the toughest job I can imagine, offering their home to already damaged youngsters who may well take out their misdirected anger on the “new” parents.
The Kenny Law Blog will offer a brief twice-monthly comment on issues of interest to foster parents, especially those who are considering adoption.
Preparing a Life Book
Getting to know you,
Getting to know all about you.
Getting to like you,
Getting to hope you like me.
(from The King and I)
One simple and meaningful way to get to know your foster/adopted child is to help him or her collect their history in pictures and stories in their own homemade personal book. Whether you are able to adopt the child or not, a picture-story book will become a treasure for a child who lacks “possessions.”
Albums help create connections. Links to our past are what give us our identity, stability, wholeness, a sense of permanence, that we have a place. Connections allow us to enter new relationships as a complete person, without feeling adrift and empty in a space between unknowns. (Tom and Jean Gaunt in Preparing a Life Book) Begin early to gather background material from and about the birth parents. Especially stories from earlier days, about themselves and the child.
Pictures are important. I remember a Grandparents’ Day at our local school. The children were sharing pictures of their first few years. One six-year-old girl commented: “I don’t know what I looked like when I was a baby.” She had been adopted from foster care the year before. Keep on taking pictures. They are a simple way to record growing up and to indicate that your child is important.
Include any stories and data about athletic achievements, art work, hobbies, and awards. Past, present, and ongoing. Place everything in a nice-looking loose-leaf album with your child’s name and picture on the cover.
Such a gift offers many benefits. As you get to know your child, your affection and bonding will deepen. And you will be giving him or her a very tangible identity, a concrete sense of of a connected self.
read moreAll About the Child
The child fares better when foster parents and the birth parent can get along. Mutual distrust and hostility, often based on a lack of information, serve no one. You don’t have to agree with one another. But you do need to withhold judgment. And show courtesy and respect for the person.
The major problem in getting along with others is our tendency to judge one another. Whether we are right or wrong makes little difference. Premature judgments tend to be set in stone. They interfere with trust and possible cooperation, and often end up in disputed court battles. Much better not to proceed as adversaries. Far better if you and the birth parent can start off and continue on the right foot.
How does a foster parent go about building a bridge between themselves and the birth parent? While not always possible, the approach is not that complicated. A five-year-old in our family expressed it well: “I know how you make friends. You just be friendly to them.” We all tend to like people who appear to like us.
Prejudices (pre-judgments) thrive in a vacuum. Meeting the birth parent soon after the transfer, before negative opinions are formed, can be helpful. Perhaps at a case conference when an early reunification plan is presented. After the usual introductions are made, you might comment: “We really appreciate the opportunity to care for your child until you are able to get matters worked out….In the meantime, we would welcome anything you can share with us about your child….” Focusing on the child will hopefully give you a common interest.
Noticing something positive about the birth parent is another simple way to start. Perhaps their smile or their expressed concern for their child. Their manner of dress or a comment they made. Remember, wherever your foster care experience is heading, the path will go much smoother with cooperation.
In some cases, positive contact has continued after foster care has ended. On the one hand, the former foster parents have continued as honorary aunts and uncles. On the other, a cooperation adoption has provided for legal post-adoption exchange of information or visitation.
Mutual distrust and disrespect can contribute to long delays while the child drifts in temporary care. Whether through a successful reunification or adoption, the more quickly and amicably the child can settle into his or her permanent family, the more likely he or she can resume a healthy development.
read moreFoster Parenting Isn't Easy
To paraphrase the former Peace Corps slogan, foster parenting is the toughest job you’ll ever love. You have chosen a difficult path. Instead of a big cheering section, you are likely to face problems, and even be blamed unfairly when things go wrong.
As foster parents, you take in troubled children who may require extraordinary patience and parenting skills. Your new foster child will test your love with a lack of compliance and misbehavior.
Yet you are the only major players without legal standing. Although you have 24/7 knowledge of the children in your care, you may have to sit back at conferences and in court while caseworkers, CASAs, and birthparents all have their say. You do the heavy lifting and yet you may face most of the blame when things go wrong.
Your caseworker may ignore your concerns and possibly even remove the child against your wishes. Worse, they may listen to hearsay evidence and try to substantiate charges of neglect and abuse against you.
You are always vulnerable to undocumented allegations, based solely on hearsay, often put forth by disgruntled and unhappy birth parents.
Finally, you may be told not to become too attached to the youngsters in your care. Impossible. I would not give a nickel for a foster parent who failed to become attached.
No surprise that retention is a serious problem. The turnover of foster parents is between 30 and 50 percent, higher than in most fast food industries.
So why do you do it? Because you want to provide a home for kids without one. Even if your role is not permanent, you know that every child needs caring adults. More, you possess the courage to see past recurring obstacles. Unselfish love is both a driving force and its own fulfilling reward.
read moreA Grandmother's Story
By Mary Kenny
We were attending Grandparents’ Day at the elementary school of our youngest grandchildren. Several of the children were showing pictures of themselves as babies being held and admired by their grandparents.
“I don’t have any baby pictures,” my young granddaughter said matter-of-factly. “I don’t know what I looked like when I was a baby.”
She’s right. Monae came to my son Michael and Brenda’s home at the age of five as a foster child. A year or so later she became a permanent member of the family through adoption. Now at age seven she is a lively and enthusiastic second-grader. But she doesn’t have those pictures that many of us keep throughout life: the earliest pictures of ourselves taken by proud and loving relatives.
Yet Monae and many children like her have a wonderful story, the story of their adoption. The greatest need this child faced was the lack of a permanent home. However kind and loving her foster parents were, the home they provided was temporary. Foster care is meant to be temporary, a safe and supportive step toward a permanent home. Tragically that next important step does not always happen. But when it does happen, when a child joins a home that becomes her forever home, it is cause for rejoicing.
Let us never forget to tell children that wonderful story. How the family came together. How the family members, parents and children alike, could not bear to part with this child. How other people devoted to child welfare worked to make permanence possible. And the day of celebration, the day that courts are not venues of discord and unhappiness but of rejoicing: adoption day.
Once when she was “all grown up,” our own adopted daughter asked me, “What was the date of my adoption?” I knew the exact date and shared it with her. “I’m going to celebrate that as my rebirthday,” she said.
May all our adopted children and their families rejoice in and celebrate their rebirthday.
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