What you can do to best help your foster child
How to best help your foster child
Foster care has changed. Has anyone noticed? The DCS can no longer count on foster families with a stay-at-home parent. Certain goals for children in temporary care remain the same. Care should be brief, safe, and lead to permanence either through reunification or with a new permanent situation. To keep up with our society as it exists today, we have three simple recommendations.
Here are five hints on making connections with your hard-to-reach foster child.
Foster parents in training are sometimes asked to write down the ten people or things they value most on separate slips of paper. Next, they are asked to give up one, throw it into the trash basket, and discuss their loss among themselves. One by one, they are asked to get rid of the items they value, throwing the papers away as they reflect on what they have lot...
“What did Grandma do for a job?” asked my 12-year-old nephew, Jack. “Well,” I replied, “she raised your dad and me and our ten brothers and sisters, was a foster parent to many more, took care of our 14-room house, and even took care of her dad when he got old and lived with us.” “Yes, but what did she really do for a job?” Jack persisted. I was dumbfounded.
Here are a few suggestions, both for birth parents who wish to be reunited with their child, and for foster parents who hope to adopt.
“Instant Family” is a realistic full-length feature film about the ups and downs of fostering-to-adopt. To quote one reviewer: “We are foster parents and this movie touched every base and emotion about what foster parents go through.” The film story was written by a foster parent. The actors are excellent. And beyond all that, it is touching and funny and great entertainment.
What a wonderful way to silently greet your new foster child over the first few weeks. "Whatever!" Plan to observe and listen. Without expectations. See what develops, what happens.
“We’ve had our five-year-old foster son for over a year now and we were planning to adopt him. All was well until two months ago when he began to wet the bed nightly. Trying to be understanding, we began by waking him regularly to use the bathroom. Lately we have started to withhold sweets and privileges. Nothing seems to work.”
Every Indiana foster child has a case manager, a birth family with possibly concerned relatives, and foster parents. They also have (or should have) a legal advocate. Either a CASA (Court-appointed special advocate) or GAL (Guardian-ad-litem.) Although they undergo training, they are unpaid volunteers, giving of their time, as you do, to serve kids in need.
Your case manager has legal control of the child in your care. As a foster parent, it is very important for you to get along. Whether you like each other or not, cooperation is vital as you plan a future for the child. Here are a few suggestions to help you work together.
Indiana foster parents have many legal rights to assist in caring for their wards. Know your rights and use them when appropriate. Here are the more important ones:
Foster parents offer a special community of know-how and support. Thanks to the internet and Facebook, Indiana foster parents have a statewide resource, the Indiana Foster and Adoptive Parents group. On IFAAP, with its nearly 10,000 members, our state foster and adoptive parents can communicate back and forth regularly with one another on a large variety of practical and parenting issues.
While family remains the time-honored best way to provide a child with nurture and safety, there are exceptions. Sometimes the medical or emotional needs of a child require more than an individual family can offer. Or an older foster child, usually age ten or more, seriously threatens the physical or sexual safety of family members.
“After spending almost two years with us, our five-year-old foster son was removed to live with his grandparents in Illinois. Prior to that, he had been with them for less than a week of visitation. We had come to love our son and hoped to adopt. Now we are devastated. We don’t know whether to fight or cry.”
What does your new foster son or daughter call you? Names are important. His initial reaction offers a window to his world.
You have had your foster child for many months and have heard little or nothing. You are becoming attached. Afraid to contact the case manager for fear that might trigger the child’s removal. What can you do?
Attorney Peter Kenny announces the publication of his third book: Making a Difference: Foster Care and Adoption.
My husband and I recently adopted our beautiful two-year-old son. When I share this amazing news with people, I sometimes get a response that, well, stings.
Imagine you are awaiting the results of your breast exam or prostate test. You call daily but they still don’t have the results. What are you thinking, feeling?
Research has clearly shown that delay in achieving permanence is not in the child’s best interest. Time is the enemy of a growing and developing child.
An overview of how to become a foster parent in Indiana. The process appears more complicated than it actually is.
Foster care payments are reimbursement for the daily costs of raising a child, and are not considered taxable income by the IRS. Having a foster child in the home does not change the family’s status for receiving food stamps.
Frequently at foster parent gatherings the organizers will trot out a young man or woman who grew up in foster care and is now educated and successful in a career as a teacher, writer, or in another productive field. This child would be a high achiever in any field, but remains unusual. Most adopted children, like all developing youngsters, are works in progress.
“We have had our foster child for almost two years and nothing seems to be happening. Mother makes a little progress and then relapses. How long will this go on? When does the state give up on reunification and look for another permanent home?”
One simple and meaningful way to get to know your foster/adopted child is to help him or her collect their history in pictures and stories in their own homemade personal book. Whether you are able to adopt the child or not, a picture-story book will become a treasure for a child who lacks “possessions.”
The child fares better when foster parents and the birth parent can get along. Mutual distrust and hostility, often based on a lack of information, serve no one. You don’t have to agree with one another. But foster parents do need to withhold judgment. And show courtesy and respect for the person.
To paraphrase the former Peace Corps slogan, foster parenting is the toughest job you’ll ever love. You have chosen a difficult path. Instead of a big cheering section, you are likely to face problems, and even be blamed unfairly when things go wrong.
In my last blog entry, I asked you to imagine welcoming your new ten-year-old foster son. He certainly feels alone and scared and may express that by acting cocksure, or more likely quiet and reserved at first. From a psychologist who was also a foster parent, here are a few hints on how you might respond.
Imagine your new foster son has just come in the door. His name is Eric, he is ten years old, and is clutching a paper sack holding everything he owns. Not much. You greet him warmly and tell him he is welcome. But you don’t really know him. All you have to go by are your expectations. Here are a few thoughts you might consider.
Caseworkers and DCS conferences do not have the final word about removal, placement, and possible adoption of Indiana children in foster care. Courts are where these ultimate decisions are made. Foster parents have rights to be heard in court.
My father, Dr. Jim Kenny, with the help of an artist from Stone Belt in Indiana, recently wrote a children’s story about a little monkey who loses both parents and begins searching the jungle, looking for them. After many adventures, he discovers a family of chimpanzees who offer him a permanent home. Little Lost Monkey is a foster-to-adopt story.
A Middle School teacher began the following story and asked his students to make up an ending: One child’s story finished very differently.
The strongest material you can have in advocating for your foster child is a well-documented daily journal. Keeping a daily journal assists you when reporting to the Child Welfare Department or advocating for your foster child at case conferences and at court hearings, especially adoption. When opinions are divided, your journal provides you with reasons and documentation for your views.
Whatever happened to the old adage: “Experience is the best teacher”? Most would agree that is true. So why the heavy reliance on agency-run workshops or classes for foster parent training? Parenting can be learned and improved in several ways.
For too many people, discipline is equated with punishment. This creates a special problem for foster children who have already suffered from abuse and neglect. In actual fact, punishment is a rather ineffective method for obtaining compliance. There are other methods that work better. Here are a few ideas.
Many different subsidies are available for Indiana foster parents who wish to adopt. They include continuing your monthly payments, providing health insurance, reimbursing you for some of your adoption expenses, a federal income tax credit, and help with college tuition. Your new child is entitled to all the financial support that is offered.
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